Ahh, The Holidays

Wal-Mart is now being labeled "most wanted" in the Christmas / Holiday feud. I will get to the feud itself in just a moment but the following is a possible solution for Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart Stores, Inc

**MEDIA ADVISORY** **FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

Wal-Mart fully respects that in a time of war, rising energy costs, natural disasters, and world-wide terrorism, we as a people are still able to focus on matters of such great import.

Although we don't necessarily object to being mentioned on cable news every day, we are dedicated to resolving the B2C greeting conundrum during the Christmas / Holiday season.

Because litigation against large companies is now a career option, we would like to avoid being sued over semantics. Effective immediately Wal-Mart will post the following in all of its stores.

Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart and please register your greeting of choice by wearing one of the following stickers we have provided. Please note: If your sticker is not clearly visible, Wal-Mart will not claim responsibility for any incorrect or offensive greeting.

Welcome to Wal-Mart, Merry Christmas
Welcome to Wal-Mart, Happy Holidays
Welcome to Wal-Mart, Happy Hanukkah
Welcome to Wal-Mart, Happy Kwanzaa
OR
Holiday Shmoliday...don't smile and greet me with anything, I'm only here to save 5 bucks on a 2 quart Crock-Pot.

Register today and win a free Sam Walton Bobblehead * (subject to availability)

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Now, I would like all of you bickering brats to sit down and listen to me for a few minutes. You know you are one of the bickering brats if you have EVER said "Hijacking Christmas", "War against Christmas", "the word Christmas is offensive" or if you have EVER even entertained the notion of banning the colors red and green.

Ok, do I have your attention? NO Bill, you sit back down and just shush up. If you don't want me to treat you like a two year old, then don't act like one. Now...all of you, your silly and embarrassing behavior will not be tolerated any more. I am going to explain this once and then I expect you all to drop this nonsense.

In this country we acknowledge and honor many holidays. November December and January have always been considered our holiday season as several of our religious holidays fall in this period. NO Bill, there is more than one religion, hence more than one religious holiday. I won't tell you again to be quiet. Now, where was I...ah yes, our religious holidays. Here are some of the wonderful celebrations we look forward to during our season.

November 1 All Saints Day (Roman Catholic, Protestant, Lutheran)
November 3 or 4 Eid El Fitr (End of Ramadan) (Islamic) [Date is approximate with sighting of the moon]
November 12 Birth of the Baha'u'llah (Baha'i)
December 8 Feast of the Immaculate Conception (Roman Catholic)
December 25 Christmas (Roman Catholic, Protestant, Eastern, Greek and Russian Orthodox)
December 26 First Day of Hanukkah (Jewish)
December 26 -January 2 Kwanzaa
January 1 New Year's Day (not a religious holiday but I assume there will never be a debate that January 1st is indeed the first day of a new year)
January 2 Eighth Day of Hanukkah (Jewish)
January 6 Feast of the Epiphany (Roman Catholic, Eastern, Greek and Russian Orthodox)

Isn't that spectacular. Such beautiful harmony in diversity. Only in America. How fortunate we are indeed.

Let me tell you a short little story. When I was a young teenager, my mother was the editor of a local newspaper. I used to help her with her business Christmas Cards. She told me we needed to find cards that said "Happy Holidays". (Isn't this a great story so far kids? Here comes the good part) I say "how come?". "Because", she says "Not everyone's holiday is Christmas". "Well yeah, but it is still Christmas". "Of course it is Christmas, but would you give a birthday card to your father on my birthday?" "No". "Exactly, so we can either take this list of 150 people and find out the particular holiday they celebrate or we can make it easier and be polite and get "Happy Holiday" cards for all of them". Kids, it was as simple as that. And that is when I understood, especially when addressing a large group, it is simply a consideration - a polite thing to do - to use "Happy Holidays". Finding that to be, in any way, an attack on or the willful oppression of Christians would be....well....stupid, right? Yes. And it turns out, my mother (brilliant as she was) did not dream up that little ditty on her own. No, most everyone will whip out the "Happy Holidays" line as a way of sending their holiday wishes to someone regardless of their faith or religious celebration.

I would ask if there are any questions so far but I am frankly so sick of listening to you all and I have the floor until you can come to your senses.

Now to those of you on the other side of this bickering. Let me start by saying that we will be purchasing a small island for the Plano Independent School District in Texas. They will be forced to reside there and it will be named Land of The Profoundly Stupid With Entirely Too Much Time On Their Hands or "LOPS Island". Some of Plano's actions that led to this decision include a ban on candy cane distribution when a religious card is attached, a ban on parents giving religious-oriented items to one another on school property and banning the colors red and green from a "Winter Break Party," requiring parents to bring only white plates and napkins. Kids, remember when I said a few minutes ago that Christmas WAS one of the holidays in our holiday season? For those of you who are not Christians, you will not burn to a cinder at the sight of a cross, Christmas tree or at hearing the word "Christmas". (And if you do burn to a cinder...well then you had a bigger problem than acting stupid and silly).

We can all freely celebrate our holidays...all of them. We can acknowledge them, learn from them, appreciate the beauty and history in them, see and enjoy symbols of them around us and respect them. This bickering is only about trying to push someone over saying "my way is the only way". Sorry, it doesn't work like that in this country.

Now, if I hear one more peep out of any of you with this ridiculous stupidity, you will be shipped off to LOPS Island before you can say... [insert greeting of choice here].